Trigger Memory
All the things I can't forget
I thought I could let go of you.
I cast you out of my heart. Shut your memories in a box and sealed it tight. Buried your corpse under a bridge and turned my back on it, believing you were gone forever.
I told myself that you were different. That I didn’t care anymore. The past is an endless labyrinth of pain, better left unexplored.
And yet.. I keep seeing her.
The tilt in your head, the glint in your eyes, the way you bite your lip tapping your fingers against your chin.. it reminds me. Every time I think she’s gone, you bring her back. I hear her laughter coming from your mouth. See her mischievous smirk across your face.
For a moment, it’s like nothing ever changed.
Somehow, that makes it worse– knowing that she’s still there, because if she’s still there, then you really are the same person, which means killing you would be killing her and I can’t reconcile myself with that.
When you hit me, I remember how we would play-wrestle on the floor of your bedroom: limbs flailing, elbows in each other’s faces, how we would collapse giggling and breathless onto each other, and that only makes it hurt more.
You were so careful not to bruise me then. Your blows were teasing, always more playful than aggressive, and you never put your full strength into them. Once, you shoved me hard enough that my head knocked into the wall, and you felt so bad, you cried.
I think of that now as you point your gun: eyes narrowed with focus, head cocked, hand steady as you pull the trigger.
You aimed with the same precision then too. Only then, I was beside you, cheering you on as you obliterated the arcade, not standing in front of you as your target.
I guess some things do change.
I still can’t let go of you.
This piece was loosely inspired by TimeBomb, one of my favourite ships of all time from one of my favourite shows of all time- Arcane. Although their dynamic is criminally underexplored in the show, it’s one I find deeply stirring and think about constantly. Of course, it helps that every scene they share is a masterpiece. No matter how times I’ve seen them, they never fail to crush me.
Anyways, if you haven’t watched Arcane, you should.
this is so well written, so powerful